i was born a porn star she said
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
