on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
