I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
