I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
