Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
