it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
