how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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