You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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