So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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