Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
