dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
