remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
