Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
