You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
