I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I need a beard to bite.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
