Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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