also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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