Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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