I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
