Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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