woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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