fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
