Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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