wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
