One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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