the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
