i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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