dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
