By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
