I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
