Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
