he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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