I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
