Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
