Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
