and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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