Life is so much better after having sex.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
