My Higher Power is John Stamos
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
