My balls are so social today.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
