Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
