grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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