it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
