I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
