You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
