Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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