HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
