I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
