Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
