his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
