where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
